


what does it take!?

by lonelydoctors



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: ADHD, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Bipolar Disorder, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Follows the events of the movie, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, basically an insight into arthur's mind, with a few extra scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 18:28:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21202118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelydoctors/pseuds/lonelydoctors
Summary: “all i have are negative thoughts,” he tells her and he knows she doesn’t listen to him. he would like to go on and say that he’s just here for the meds anyway and doesn’t give a FUCK! about her either! but that would be rude and arthur isn’t rude!





	what does it take!?

**Author's Note:**

> I watched joker three times now and I am still in awe of joaquin's performance and the whole story in general. it's so tragically beautiful and arthur is such a troubled and conflicted character I had to write for him!
>
>> all the formatting in this is intentional! the way it's written is meant to give more of an insight into arthur's mind and how he thinks and acts. please read the tags for potential trigger warnings. nothing is explicitly mentioned though.

“i have a card,” he tells her and his fingers reach inside the pocket of his coat. the right one! it’s always the right one, that’s where it has to be, it has to be right! she looks at him weirdly, like she’s scared of him, and arthur laughs a little bit more. no, no, no! stop it, STOP IT! he shouldn’t laugh. it scares them, it always scares them! what are they afraid of?

_it’s an emergency exit! _she tells him and shuffles her files. she’s not looking at him and arthur wants to leave.

the woman with the child reads the card, or at least arthur thinks she did?! he can’t be sure, he thinks, as he clutches his throat, he can’t be sure, he can’t see much right now. she looks at him weirdly and they all look at him weirdly and it only makes arthur have to laugh more! and he curls in on himself and tries to stop it from coming out, he thinks, _maybe if i bite down on my tongue it will stop_?

she doesn’t give him back his card.

* * *

“my mother always tells me i was put on this world to spread joy and laughter,” he tells them and bares his teeth! his cheeks hurt so he must be smiling and when the people around him laugh, arthur smiles even harder! they seem to like him, they seem to like to see him smile! mummy was right, he’s spreading all this FUN inside of him! this is why he’s always laughing so much, he thinks, and waves at the people around him. MURRAY laughs too and reaches out his hand and invites him on stage and– _it’s an emergency exit!_

he walks down the stairs towards the stage, careful not to bump into anyone! they’re all looking at him! (ARTHUR!) he guesses this is a good sign, they like him! murray likes him?! and he can finally talk to his da–MURRAY! finally talk to murray! arthur, arthur, ARTHUR! what are you doing, arthur?

his hand trembles and he grips it tightly, holding it in place. _behave!_ he yells inside his head and smiles a bit more. he feels the skin stretching across his faceand his leg starts to tremble as he reaches the stage and then he stops and stands and stares and he doesn’t notice his foot tapping loudly on the floor until murray points it out to him in a joke! (amazing man, murray! always manages to wrap things in a joke! arthur, you should learn from him! arthur, you should thank him? arthur, you should–_ it’s an emergency exit!)_

“arthur, you’re an amazing man! i could see that from down here. you’re truly something special,” murray tells him! and arthur feels like crying. his foot taps even harder and his hands start twitching despite him telling them not to but it makes murray laugh, so it’s okay! it makes the audience laugh, too! arthur thinks then it must be a GOOD sign and he smiles and bows slightly.

_oh_, they laugh even louder now! mummy was right, he spreads laughter just by being himself. he doesn’t even have to tell a JOKE!

* * *

he gives him a gun. a fucking gun! that looks very real and feels very real and is! very real. arthur stares at randallfor a second and his mind tries to catch up with his heart and he doesn’t know what to think.

he never held a gun before and he doesn’t know what to do! this is new. this is strange and unfamiliar and wrong. this is EXCITING! randall gives him an encouraging nod (why would he need to be encouraged? what is he encouraging him for?) and motions for him to put it away. so the others don’t see. because they didn’t get a present from randall. that must mean arthur’s special! randall likes him so much he gives him a GUN!

when randall left and all the others have gone too (when did they leave?) arthur picks up the little brown bag again. his lips twitch in excitement and he can barely stop his knees from jumping up and down. a small giggle makes it past his lips anyway!

slowly, carefully!, almost like he’s AFRAID, arthur opens the bag and it crinkles a bit, like the bag the cakes he gets for mummy sometimes come in.

his fingers trace over the metaland rest on the trigger briefly. just lightly though! he wouldn’t want to hurt anyone! he’s just…touching it. feeling it. and _oh_. it really is real.

that’s when he realises he’s smiling! beaming! laughing! maybe there are tears of joy glistening in his eyes or maybe that’s the makeup already on his face, but it doesn’t matter! because arthur is the least violent man he knows, his mummy says so, too! and now he’s got a gun! isn’t that FUNNY?

* * *

“why would i keep his sign?” he whispers. why the FUCK would he keep his sign! his hands start to tremble and he digs his nails into his palms and he feels GOOD. his boss’ lips keep moving! but arthur can’t really hear him and he also doesn’t really care! but he bares his teeth because that’s what you do as a clown. you SMILE. everything is funny, isn’t it? words are FUNNY! your life is a JOKE, ha!

arthur doesn’t move or speak or think. in fact he might not even breathe very much! but that’s fine, he’s got it under control! he has! he digs his nails deeper into his palms and waits until something wet and warm touches his fingertips and then he exhales! he’s still there.

_it’s an emergency exit._

his boss tells him he’s fired. and arthur keeps smiling! no job, no people! no people, no STUPID people! because why would he keep his fucking sign!

when he walks out of the office, arthur feels angry anyway. he spots the sign above the staircase and his stomach hurts and his heart starts racing and little disgusting beads of sweat start trickling down his face! he curls in on himself and wraps his arms around his own body. he quite likes the feeling! he’s ‘holding himself together’. HA! he should write that one down!

**DON’T FORGET TO SMILE.**

his hands grip the marker tightly and it kind of hurts because of the wounds on the inside of his his hands but arthur kind of likes it, so that’s good! he licks his lips and exhales and stretches his arms until he can reach the sign. he jumps up and down on the step a few times but that’s only because he has to reach the sign! he’s not happy, why would he be?

he should be miserable right now, he just lost his JOB! people tend to be sad about losing. losing things, losing jobs, losing people, losing life!

when he feels giggles bubbling in his chest, arthur bites down on the inside of his cheeks. hard! he tastes BLOOD and it excites him and by the time he reaches the end of the staircase, he’s full on LAUGHING and he throws his head back and jumps and lets it all out as the rain hits his face.

**DON'T ——— SMILE. LAUGH!**

* * *

“all i have are negative thoughts,” he tells her and he knows she doesn’t listen to him. he would like to go on and say that he’s just here for the meds anyway and doesn’t give a FUCK! about her either! but that would be rude and arthur isn’t rude!

he stares at the table first. down at his hands! and then at his trembling legs! he places his hands on his knees and tries to stop them from bouncing before he looks back up at her. it doesn’t work.

“they don’t give a shit about people like you, arthur,” she says and he clenches his fists against his trousers. he’s tempted to dig his nails into his palms but they’re still healing from last time so it’s probably not a good idea!

she looks like she doesn’t give a shit, so he thinks, but do you! give a shit about people like you and me?! probably not. probably only about people like her. probably only about people exactly like her. who is he kidding! she definitely only cares about herself!

he feels the familiar feeling of laughter in his throat and he doesn’t really try to stop it because he thinks it’s funny but she’s looking at him like he’s crazy! it’s HILARIOUS how they’re both sitting in this cramped space (every single fucking week!) and they both pretend to care and they both pretend to listen (to be fair, arthur think he’s doing a way better job at it than her. DID!), and now they both pretend to be sad that it’s over when it’s never really been about helping anyway.

_it’s an emergency exit, arthur!_

he’s still grinning when he asks her, “how am i going to get my meds?”

* * *

he’s not grinning when those three OBNOXIOUS wall street guys start cornering him. oh, he’s laughing, of course! but he can’t help it, it’s a condition! he keeps trying to tell them but they won’t listen. and arthur doesn’t understand why they would even think he’s laughing in the first place! why would he be happy? what the FUCK is there to be happy about!?

he reaches for his bag and it’s difficult because he keeps cry-laughing (he made up a word for it! it’s funny, you see, because it doesn’t make any sense! why would somebody cry and laugh at the same time? he’s going to have to demonstrate when he uses that word in a show!).

before arthur can show them the card and explain why he’s laughing into their faces, he gets punched in the face and thrown to the floor. they kick him in the side and he quickly covers his his private bits and squeezes his eyes shut.

they refused his card and now he doesn’t know how to explain so it’s best to just let it happen and hope for the best. _could be a metaphor for my life_, he thinks, _maybe i could use it in a joke!_ he quickly throws that thought away when they tackle him and pin his arms to the floor, leaving him completely exposed. it wouldn’t be funny enough!

he decides to hold his breath and lets go of all the tension in his muscles (if you tense up, it only makes it more painful!) and tries to go someplace else. somewhere far away! maybe a few months into the future when he’s made it and he’s a popular comedian and he has a beautiful girlfriend and mummy watches all his shows on tv like she watches MURRAY now!

a faint smile tugs at his lips but the movement hurts and suddenly he tastes BLOOD and his ears ring as her voice keeps repeating those same words to him, “_it’s an emergency exit, it’s an emergency exit, it’s an emergency exit._”

his eyes snap open suddenly. just as one of the guys is about to land another blow to his face! and he reaches for his bag they threw across the compartment and before he knows it, an earsplitting sound echoes through the subway and he has to fight the urge to cover his ears.

arthur blinks rapidly and adjusts his grip on the gun! he may be PATHETIC but he’s not stupid! the cool metal is soothing to his hot skin and his breath comes fast and ragged and honestly he wants to sit down and take a breath but he can’t! he can’t, not yet!

he’s watched enough crime shows to know that you can’t leave any witnesses when killing someone. (_see mummy, i DID pay attention!_) so he shoots the other guy, too!

it takes him a while but eventually he gets the third guy as well! this really isn’t as easy as it looks on tv, he thinks before his mind finally catches up with his heart and he realises what he did. he’s tempted to let go of the gun but something inside of him makes him keep it so he shoves it deep inside his bag! and runs.

when he reaches the shabby bathroom, he slams the door shut and leans his sweaty forehead against it. he’s struggling for air and his heart beats so loud in his throat he’s afraid they can hear it on the other side of the door! but after a few seconds, he feels an urge. like his body is screaming at him! shouting at him!

he closes his eyes and exhales loudly, letting his limbs lead the way. there’s so much energy inside of him! he wonders why he never thought about taking up a sport, as his body starts to sway to the music in his mind.

he’s not happy. of course not! that would be ATROCIOUS! he just killed three men! but he’s satisfied. isn’t that allowed? an eye for an eye! he heard that in a show once and he didn’t really understand it at first but it makes sense now!

they beat him up when he didn’t do anything to deserve it and because there were three of them and only of arthur it’s only fair that he gets to have a GUN. how else would he defend himself? he guesses he didn’t have to KILL them with it but! BUT!

those guys don’t really see arthur, do they? they see him as part of it. part of the plague, the disgusting scum of gotham. so why should arthur!? they’re as part of the people who look down on him as he is of the ones looked down upon!

someone had to pay! to make it right again. an eye for an eye, see! it’s only natural. it’s all balanced. it just happened to be them.

arthur keeps dancing in the abandoned bathroom. finally letting his body take control! and he hums as his fingers smear blood all over his white sleeves. he doesn’t care and he can even block out her voice inside his head! because he’s content! maybe he doesn’t need his meds. after all, they never managed to make him feel this good. he wants to feel like that forever, he thinks, as he sways!

* * *

“you seem happier,” she says and arthur nods. he is! HAPPY. what a big word. life seems easier somehow, and he feels lighter. somehow!

“i am,” he smiles at her and reaches for her hand. she takes it! “because of you.” she blushes and arthur thinks the red really suits her. it makes her even more beautiful!

she tells him what an amazing man he is and something about those words make arthur’s blood run cold and his smile freeze on his lips. somehow! he lowers his gaze and watches her eat.

he’s staring probably. he doesn’t dare look around. they’re probably all looking at him weirdly, like he’s crazy! like he’s CRAZY for looking at his girlfriend while she eats but he’s not! crazy!

he takes a deep breath and brushes his thumb across the back of her hand, feeling the smoothness of her skin! and the warmth of her body! he looks down at their intertwined hands and pretends he doesn’t see the BLOOD on it.

when arthur looks up again, she’s gone and his hands are cold and he’s sitting alone at the table. there’s only one plate in front of him and he wonders how much of his life is a lie!

_it’s an emergency exit!_

* * *

“when i told people i was gonna be a comedian everyone laughed at me.” he pauses. it makes the punchline even better! MURRAY taught him that. amazing man, MURRAY!

he clears his throat and fights against the giggle in his chest. “well. look who’s laughing now!” he extends his arms and beams at the crowd even though he can’t see any of them because of the bright lights! and he waits! and waits.

and then they’re laughing and the sound is like music to his hears, because _look, mummy, i’m finally making them laugh, i’m spreading joy and laughter like you told me to. _and he’s laughing, too! because he’s happy and they’re happy!

“what a fucking joke. get off the stage, loser!” someone yells. and it hits him. right in the chest!

he’s no idiot. he knows. he knows that words can’t hurt you! they don’t have a physical form. like his GUN! but they do (somehow!) and he is (hurting!).

they’re laughing! but it’s not about his joke. _he’s_ the fucking JOKE!

his outstretched arms feel heavy all of a sudden and his face feels strained and stretched and FORCED but he keeps his eyes open and blinks against the brightness and keeps the smile on his lips.

see mummy, they’re laughing aren’t they? you never said why they’d laugh!

* * *

“i don't want anything from you! maybe a little bit of warmth! maybe a hug, DAD?! how about just a little bit of fucking decency?!”

when his dad punches him in the face it doesn’t even hurt! (maybe he’s built up a tolerance by now?) correction! it does hurt! but not in the way you think it would.

WHY? he thinks and clutches his nose. why did he hit him?

his dad leaves the bathroom (just like that! like he doesn’t give a SHIT about what happens to arthur!) and he’s left alone, staring at himself in the mirror. he watches the blood drip down into the sink and it stains the white porcelain and he grips the edges of it a bit tighter. _doesn’t he love me?_

he doesn’t belong here. in this fancy bathroom! his dad doesn’t either. this isn’t how it’s supposed to be! he was supposed to have a DAD, someone he could look up to! someone to teach him about the world and how to play baseball and how to fix a car! someone to help him _get_ a car!

maybe he could have had a better life. here! with mummy and his dad. he wonders why his parents stopped loving each other. he wonders if he would have been happier then! in his other life. the one he could have had.

arthur looks up from the BLOOD in the sink and stares at his reflection in the mirror and he wonders whether his dad feels disgust when he looks at him.

* * *

“you get what you fucking deserve!” when he pulls the trigger it feels GOOD. he’s done this before. or he thinks he did!

“it’s an emergency exit.” that’s what she told him! “you can’t keep living inside your head, arthur. it's an emergency exit. you need to face reality.”

he presses his lips together and closes his eyes! he leans back in his seat and blocks out the screams around him. it’s annoying. they’re annoying! can’t they see he’s having a moment?!

he feels ECSTATIC. like he’s floating on clouds or some shit! (he never did like metaphors very much!) but it’s not enough. he needs to MOVE! his whole body trembles and the GUN inside his hand shakes and his legs jitter and his chest bubbles with laughter and he feels his lips twitching. he opens his eyes and looks around and when he sees the absolute panic around him,he can’t help it anymore. he laughs!

it’s just so FUNNY! here they all are freaking out like the whole world’s about to end!all because of one! person. like he’s something special! like he’s some amazing man! (amazing man, MURRAY!) like he’s somehow more important than the hundreds of other people in this city who just want to be FUCKING HAPPY, GODDAMNIT!

arthur(?) laughs and suddenly he realises things!

he knows now why it was so funny to kill those guys on the subway! not because they deserve it or because they need to pay for their sins or because they’re part of THOSE people! none of that eye for an eye BULLSHIT! it’s about the people. awful people! they’re awful and awful people always get it in the end. that’s how it works. they always get what they fucking deserve! _don’t you think so, MURRAY?_

his body keeps twitching, so he gets up from the couch and starts pacing back and forth. people are screaming and running and it’s still annoying! he doesn’t know how much time has passed. he does know what HAPPINESS is though now! it’s this! why did no one tell him it’s that easy?

he stops. MURRAY stares at him. or rather his BODY. he giggles. he lifts his GUN and shoots him again. he’ll take as much HAPPINESS as he can get. in the end, MURRAY did make him happy! and maybe his therapist was right, too! because “_you can’t keep living inside your head, arthur._” and now he finally does something about that and makes it all real! _yay, me! _he wonders if she would be proud of him.

he throws his head back and laughs when he remembers that she doesn’t give a SHIT about people like him.

but what is real anyway! and whose hand is pulling the trigger anyway! he’s doesn’t know and he’s not sure he ever quite figured that out but it doesn’t matter anymore. he makes his own reality now! he’s JOKER and he finally found a way out that’s not an emergency exit! because when you can’t keep living inside your head, you’re going to have to bring the inside of your head out! SIMPLE! he should have figured that out sooner.

he twirls around and laughs until he feels dizzy and then he stops and takes another look at MURRAY. his GUN falls to the floor and it must be making a sound, he thinks, but his mind is fuzzy and blank like tv static during the night! and he thinks about how red really is a pretty colour. it matches his suit!

he’s still marvelling at the BLOOD dripping on the floor-

drip!

drip!

drip!

(PRETTY!)

-when they they drag him away. they twist his arms onto his back and he might have felt pain some time ago but he doesn’t now and somehow that thought makes him giggle again (somehow!). he’s the BEST he’s ever been!

“you can’t keep living inside your head, arthur.” she told him! how ironic that the person who doesn’t even give a shit gave the best advice! in the end! then again. nobody really gives a FUCK so what difference does it make.

he laughs out loud and it’s familiar.

* * *

they’re cheering and laughing and it takes his mind a moment to catch on again but when it does! oh, when it does! he doesn’t know what to feel.

all his life! all his life he’s been chasing this. dreamed of getting praised and cheered on. spreading joy and laughter like his mother(?!) told him to. and now! now he finally does it! and maybe that’s the irony of it all. when he stopped trying, it happened. isn’t there a saying for that? he doesn’t know and he doesn’t care. he’s had enough of this eye for an eye bullshit.

who decides what’s true anyway! he’ll make his own sayings! his own truth! his own reality!

when they all start chanting his name, he realises he had to die to live. but that’s fine! arthur fleck(??) has been dead for a long time anyway. JOKER is a much better name anyway! a much better fit for him (anyway!).

he lifts his arms to his lips and feels the strain against them. he’s annoyed it takes them so long but that’s probably because he has a lot of broken bones, so it’s okay! nothing can ruin this moment of pure HAPPINESS for him right now. not even his faulty body!

he hooks his fingers into his mouth until he feels the familiar warmth pooling around them. then he pulls!

he paints it onto his face before he lets his hands sink and then he does it for real! he smiles. because it’s not an emergency exit anymore! it’s not even an exit! it’s REALITY.

**Author's Note:**

> leave me a comment maybe? I would love to talk about arthur with you!  
  
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